Monday, December 17, 2012

"Our hearts are broken"

It is very difficult not to look at my 2 young, beautiful, vibrant children--one, a first grader-last year and the other-- a first grader-next year...and not think of those 20 sweethearts who were so violently ripped from us on Friday.  But I am doing my best to keep it together and not break down in front of my kids.

At one point, over the weekend, I was staring at my son--just kind of marveling at him--and he was like...Mama! Stop staring at me!!  I sort of shook myself out of it and mumbled something about how cute he looked and changed the subject.  But Sunday night at dinner, Greg and I felt that it was best that they hear about this horrible tragedy from us and we would keep it brief... it didn't go exactly as planned...

Us: Guys, we need to tell you something...someone, a man, went into a school and hurt some people but he is gone now, he died and he can't hurt anyone ever again.  Your school is safe and you are safe...

Magda: (slowly asking one question after another...) What kind of school? An elementary school?  What people?  Children? Did he hurt the children?  How many?  Where was the principal?  Did he go into a class room and hurt everyone in that class room? How?  Did he use a gun? Did the teachers help protect the kids?  Do the parents know?  Do the siblings know?  Are they so sad??  Why did he do it?

We could not bear to answer all her questions...

By this point,  she had collapsed in a sobbing heap into my lap.  And I hugged her so hard, trying not to break down myself, because I am doing my best to keep it together and not break down in front of my kids...We just said that sometimes people hurt other people...but she and her brother are safe.  By this point-though, she said she wasn't going to school tomorrow; she wouldn't feel safe there...she didn't want to go.  Honestly, I didn't really blame her.

I don't usually pick the kids up in the afternoon...Greg does that; I drop them off in the morning before going to work.  But I was home sick on Friday and after I heard the news...I wanted to get them as soon as class let out.  As I was buzzed into the building (in a system that I am sure is very much like Sandy Hook) I just stood, in the middle of the office...surrounded by teachers and staff and I broke down and started sobbing...uncontrollably...a teacher immediately came up and hugged me and said that she understood...and I thanked her and got myself together, because I do not want break down in front of my kids...I need to keep it together.

As I walked past the classrooms, it was very difficult not to imagine the scenario play out; classrooms in lock down--confusion, panic, violence...but I tried to stay focused on getting my kids...I tried not to think about what the police and first responders were dealing with; the terrible, terrible aftermath...I just wanted to see the faces of my smiling happy children.  Out in the school yard, Luca was playing soccer and Magda was hanging out with some big girls--and they were happy and surprised to see me.

All weekend, I kept thinking about those little lives, just starting out; just at the happiest time of the year...then I thought about the 20 forlorn backpacks hanging on the rack, the 20 empty beds, and the brothers and sisters asking for their sibling--I kept thinking about all those brave women and all their heroic efforts to protect their kids...all weekend long, I kept cursing the gun policy in this country and I wrote letters to my congressmen and women to start a national dialog about mental health and banning assault weapons...

But more than anything...what I did this weekend, to help me keep it together and what stopped me from breaking down in front of my kids--was that I held their hands tightly--everywhere we went, I was giving them way more hugs than usual, I told them I loved them about a million times...And it seemed that everywhere I looked other parents were doing the exact same the parking lots, at the stores, walking down the street, at the park...I feel like Magda and I held hands constantly all weekend long and it was really, really nice.

And, in the end, I think this constant contact with them helped me from breaking down in front of them...because I am really trying to keep it together.

But, in light of what happened on Friday--it is so very, very difficult not to break down...

and cry out our broken hearts..

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